Prop Swarms develop on the outer shell of a component like hordes of piranha gnawing at your hippocampus. As with other anti-patterns of the Goldilocks genus, it’s easy to spot when it concedes the center; look for the blood-stained sprawl the size of suburbia you must hack through with a machete. The infestation is slow at first. Software, unlike war, changes all the time. The app needs to do more today, or it didn’t get it right yesterday. Over time, as code is passed around like a puck, props will append to the component, the reasons behind their existence forgotten before the tides shift like the everyday fabric of human folly. If there are no tests, as is often the[…]

Rotting Test is a manifestation of the father of lies. He could blind you and push you off a precipice;  choke you slowly and leave a crimson mess of firings but the great anti-pattern takes more pleasure in devouring your brain on a platter. The Archdemon takes possession of your soul and tricks you into worshipping him as a Strategy; you must ship code faster. Does it poison your customers as they say? Fuck the tests. You’ll lose blood to its talons when you merge code. The devil will ask you to kill the reviewer. Every Thursday will feel a Monday. You’ll perform a release ceremony every two weeks as the Ancients did in the First Bubble. You’ll get fat, and[…]

At the beginning of the JavaScript Boom, very few people wanted to write any Javascript. But, with the advent of Node, and the roaring business of Web Apps, the power and profits were nothing to scoff at; the toy language wasn’t just shooting pellets anymore. Many ryus of compilers were born, and their champions waged war against each other until one rose from the maelstrom, a paragon of Ruby named CoffeeScript, a creation of incest, which the Sorcerers of the Red Train would parade like a golden calf and elevate to the highest levels. The majority of the populace would not accept the religion of the Red Train and picked the version of JavaScript that tasted like vanilla, straightforward and[…]

Resentful JS is an anti-pattern that wraps the programmer like a Succubi. Feeling either disdain or trepidation toward Javascript and its community, the coder wields the language as they would treat a lover they didn’t find particularly attractive; burying their head in the pillow while thinking of someone else. At first, all’s quiet on the western front. But then the language becomes a poltergeist. From birth, JS had to pretend to be someone else to survive.  It may even tolerate a little cosplay. But a crisis will surface like a mushroom cloud. You’ll blame everything on Javascript, every argument, every outrage, even the protection order. The tribe will label you an outcast. You will never meet your lobster. You will wish you were[…]